I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure