I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
You Might Also Like
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”