Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
This is my pinned tweet
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG