My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.