You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.