TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
peeping toms
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*