Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
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Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!