I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
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Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
6. me as a lawyer
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.