I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Stop sending me this shit.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
There is no try. There is only give up.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…