Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
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Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Matt Goss
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try