@GingerHotDish: Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it... she is definitely lying.
@GingerHotDish: [At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch... well played
@GingerHotDish: I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now... how long does the flu normally last?
@GingerHotDish: Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
@GingerHotDish: I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
@GingerHotDish: [Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
@GingerHotDish: Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
@GingerHotDish: My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.