[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
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If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Blew out my flip flop…
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
The Struggle
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete