All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My Sentiments Exactly
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?