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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
The best shot in the history of golf
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.