Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.