People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
You Might Also Like
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad