Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of GoldenSpirals's best tweets

@GoldenSpirals : My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

@GoldenSpirals: I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.

@GoldenSpirals: He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

@GoldenSpirals: Naked and Afraid,

but it's just me staring down a spider in the shower.

@GoldenSpirals: Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

@GoldenSpirals: [At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here.

@GoldenSpirals: Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

@GoldenSpirals: I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I'm just three months fat.

@GoldenSpirals: The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

@GoldenSpirals: My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live.