Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GoldenSpirals's best tweets

@GoldenSpirals : I've had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months. I wonder when they're going to bring me in for questioning. I should move the bodies.

@GoldenSpirals: Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

@GoldenSpirals: *Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

@GoldenSpirals: "STOP COPYING ME!"

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

@GoldenSpirals: Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished.

There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

@GoldenSpirals: I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.

@GoldenSpirals: He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

@GoldenSpirals: Naked and Afraid,

but it's just me staring down a spider in the shower.

@GoldenSpirals: Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.