Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.