my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
You Might Also Like
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life