SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
.. do you even science?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen