[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
This took me a second..
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”