How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma