Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GrantTanaka's best tweets

@GrantTanaka : u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like "here, take this." also, why are u buying soap

@GrantTanaka: I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

@GrantTanaka: this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

@GrantTanaka: me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

@GrantTanaka: Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like "hi God- wait a minute, YOU'RE NOT GOD"

@GrantTanaka: [jogging]
brain: let's talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

@GrantTanaka: [sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

@GrantTanaka: kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

@GrantTanaka: wife: I don't think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I'm always here or nearby
me: oh

@GrantTanaka: boss: we're starting to think you don't really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean