Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GrantTanaka's best tweets

@GrantTanaka : [american civil war] soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

@GrantTanaka: a funny thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"

@GrantTanaka: wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it's not working

@GrantTanaka: [outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

@GrantTanaka: [approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

@GrantTanaka: this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

@GrantTanaka: boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

@GrantTanaka: wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

@GrantTanaka: [leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

@GrantTanaka: coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested