Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GrantTanaka's best tweets

@GrantTanaka : there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I'm chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2x4 with a nail in it

@GrantTanaka: [people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

@GrantTanaka: [yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

@GrantTanaka: lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

@GrantTanaka: cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

@GrantTanaka: [accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT'S HOT IN HERE

@GrantTanaka: [answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it's not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I'd say so. yes I ate all my salad

@GrantTanaka: [wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

@GrantTanaka: when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he's learned to keep his bathrobe tied

@GrantTanaka: [dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying