Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GrantTanaka's best tweets

@GrantTanaka : [supermarket] bagger: would you like some help out to your car? me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

@GrantTanaka: wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN'T
me: OH THANK GOD

@GrantTanaka: band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

@GrantTanaka: pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

@GrantTanaka: I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it'll just be my turn.

@GrantTanaka: me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I'm over here

@GrantTanaka: me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we're ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

@GrantTanaka: marriage counselor: you can't run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

@GrantTanaka: coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can't have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

@GrantTanaka: me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]