Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of GrantTanaka's best tweets

@GrantTanaka : Facebook Mom: OMG I can't believe my kid is a high schooler now Me: me too, he was quite stupid

@GrantTanaka: the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we're all pretty comfy

@GrantTanaka: if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you're there, sometimes another person will do it too

@GrantTanaka: Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

@GrantTanaka: wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

@GrantTanaka: [presents children to cashier]
I'd like to return these faulty condoms lol

@GrantTanaka: [son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

@GrantTanaka: I've been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life's problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

@GrantTanaka: [band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

@GrantTanaka: [bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]