A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
You Might Also Like
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean