Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
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The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
giddy up Office Depot
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.