To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.