amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??