a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The Struggle
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)