Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
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Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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