No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
You Might Also Like
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.