Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
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Chicken bread
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
got so much cardio in today
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Saturday
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.