*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Smile they said.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Baking is just science you can eat.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.