breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.