You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
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Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
this country is so goddamn polarized
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
new wife guy just dropped
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo