the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
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Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
why am I working on Labor Day
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE