I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?