In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
You Might Also Like
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.