No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
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Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.