Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
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Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
There’s never enough good news
Cheers Twitter.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”