CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.