All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”