Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.