SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
You Might Also Like
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My dad.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.