The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.