gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?