My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!๐๐๐
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My daily affirmation
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Letโs test his motor skills
Brain: Youโre getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, Iโm in charge now.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Iโm sad because of all the money Iโve lost in the market recently but Iโm also really excited to start replying with โIN THIS ECONOMY?!โ anytime people ask me to do anything.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If I ever tell you to โBe the ball,โ Iโm not coaching youโฆIโm preparing you for my nine iron.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to โtake immediate actionโ so I bought a boat on Amazon. I donโt know I feel like they could be more specific.