Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HousewifeOfHell's best tweets

@HousewifeOfHell : My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

@HousewifeOfHell: The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

@HousewifeOfHell: Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

@HousewifeOfHell: I was really getting my act together--eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

@HousewifeOfHell: I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

@HousewifeOfHell: The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn't allowed to leave the yard.

@HousewifeOfHell: College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

@HousewifeOfHell: I just read that pandas don't have many opportunities for sex, and then don't know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

@HousewifeOfHell: ...and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that's when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

@HousewifeOfHell: Sooo romantic. He said I'm a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.