Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HousewifeOfHell's best tweets

@HousewifeOfHell : A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

@HousewifeOfHell: Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don't come home. We need a break.

@HousewifeOfHell: My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

@HousewifeOfHell: I cleaned the house last month and it's already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

@HousewifeOfHell: The Good News: My doctor says I'm healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

@HousewifeOfHell: TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: ...
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

@HousewifeOfHell: An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

@HousewifeOfHell: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

@HousewifeOfHell: Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.


@HousewifeOfHell: Fluffy towels that don't absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil's handiwork.