Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of HousewifeOfHell's best tweets

@HousewifeOfHell : My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

@HousewifeOfHell: When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

@HousewifeOfHell: My husband isn't drinking while he trains for a marathon. There's all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I'm now drinking for both of us.

@HousewifeOfHell: My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It's nice to be the sane one for a change.

@HousewifeOfHell: It's only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we're such idiots.

@HousewifeOfHell: My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

@HousewifeOfHell: The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

@HousewifeOfHell: Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

@HousewifeOfHell: I was really getting my act together--eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.