Funny Tweeter

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Page of HousewifeOfHell's best tweets

@HousewifeOfHell : I cleaned the house last month and it's already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

@HousewifeOfHell: The Good News: My doctor says I'm healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

@HousewifeOfHell: TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: ...
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

@HousewifeOfHell: An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

@HousewifeOfHell: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

@HousewifeOfHell: Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

@HousewifeOfHell: Fluffy towels that don't absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil's handiwork.

@HousewifeOfHell: My kid's latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

@HousewifeOfHell: I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

@HousewifeOfHell: What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.