@HousewifeOfHell: The Good News: My doctor says I'm healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
@HousewifeOfHell: TEXTING 101
ME: How are you?
ME: Are you still alive?
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
@HousewifeOfHell: An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
@HousewifeOfHell: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
@HousewifeOfHell: Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
@HousewifeOfHell: Fluffy towels that don't absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil's handiwork.
@HousewifeOfHell: My kid's latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
@HousewifeOfHell: I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
@HousewifeOfHell: What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.