I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
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I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word