I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
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Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
This classic never gets old . . .
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser