My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
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Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Ain’t no way
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.