Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.